


He loves me, he loves me not

by Dontbelasagnax (orphan_account)



Category: Actor RPF, British Actor RPF, Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (1963), Doctor Who (2005), Doctor Who RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Matchmaking, RPF
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-13
Updated: 2017-12-17
Packaged: 2019-02-14 03:46:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12999171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Dontbelasagnax
Summary: Alex woke with the feeling of a warm body pressed against her back and - was that an arm draped over her stomache?She groggily rubbed her eyes, thinking she was feeling the remnants of a dream.Suddenly she felt the person behind her stir and mumble a few incoherent words before they tugged her closer.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to write a body swap fic, but this happened and I bloody love it  
> The Doctor mistakes Alex for River and ends up playing matchmaker ;)  
> The majority of this chapter is dialogue but I have no regrets because there is a lil character development.
> 
> DISCLAIMER: This is a work of pure fiction! Nothing in this is real, it's just my imagination running rampant. Matt has said that he was displeased that Steven broke his promise, but his reaction was nothing close to this.

Alex woke with the feeling of a warm body pressed against her back and - was that an arm draped over her stomache?  
She groggily rubbed her eyes, thinking she was feeling the remnants of a dream.  
Suddenly she felt the person behind her stir and mumble a few incoherent words before they tugged her closer.  
Realization fell over her that maybe this wasn't a dream, maybe she brought some random guy home in her drunken state. It had been so long since the last time she'd been with someone, it really wasn't a stretch to think that some time last night she finally gave into her sex drive.  
Stoning herself to send the poor bugger off, Alex rolled over to face her naked companion.  
  
Nothing could have prepared her for the sight before her.  
  
The first thing she noticed was his familiar brown floppy hair mussed about.  
  
She thought it was just a coincidence - so she ignored the sinking feeling settling into her stomache - and then he moved closer and she saw his perfect face.  
  
"Matt!" She gasped aloud. So shaken from her current predicament, Alex practically jumped out of his tender embrace to the foot of the bed, dragging the covers along. The sudden movement and loss of his human pillow forced him awake, really the last thing Alex wanted.  
  
"Honey, what's wrong?" He dragged a hand through his messy, tangled hair, which refused to be tamed. At any other time, Alex would have laughed at this, but she was in no laughing mood.  
The man she'd been pining for, for years on end was in her bed. Naked. This was the worst possible situation she could've imagined - finally taking Matt to bed and not being able to remember a single second of it.  
"Are you alright dear, you look a little...off." He added, tilting his head looking at her quizzically.  
  
_'Am I alright?!? No, of course I'm not alright! Matt Smith is in my bed!'_ Alex's thoughts roared.  
She nibbled on her bottom lip nervously, forgetting that he expected an answer out loud.  
  
"River?" When he didn't get a reply from her, Matt crawled up the bed and placed a hand on her bare shoulder.  
"Sweetheart, what's wrong? Did you have a nightmare?"  
  
_'Nope. No nightmares...unless this counts as one.'_ Alex mused wryly.  
  
"Why would this be a nightmare, dear? I can't be that bad." Matt asked with a confused chuckle.  
  
_'Oh shit - I said that aloud!'_ She clasped a hand over her mouth, mortified. Matt just looked at her expectantly.  
  
"It's just that I was completely wasted last night. I can't even remember how I got home - let alone sleeping with you!"  
_'And I really would've enjoyed remembering my first time with you, of all people.'_ She added mentally.  
  
"What do you mean 'first time'?" He looked at her incredulously.  
"River, where are we?"  
  
"Are you serious?" She felt like laughing at him, but he looked dead serious.  
"Mattew this isn't a joke-"  
  
"Who's Matthew?"  
  
"Stop it! I mean it."  
  
"Stop what?"  
  
"I'm not River, you're not the Doctor. My life is not a play thing, Matthew." Alex spat bitterly.  
  
"Riv- have you hurt your head recently?:  
  
"No! Matt, snap out of it! You're being childish. If anyone needs their head examined, it's you!"  
  
"Why would say that?"  
  
"For one, pretending fictional characters are real. You've gone too far with the role-playing this time, darling. I'm fine with joking around with it, calling you husband occasionally, but really don't do this for a shag. I honestly thought you were better than that." Alex was near tears at this point. The man she was in love with was breaking her heart.  
  
"I'll take you back to Stormcage if you want." His voice sounded so small and genuine.  
Alex groaned. When was he going to stop playing this game?  
  
"That's it. I'm leaving." Alex slid off the bed, taking a sheet with her, and turned in the direction of where her bureau usually sat - instead she found a wall decorated with framed photos. This was not her place or Matt's, unless Matt had a sudden room makeover.  
"Where am I?" Her voice came out shaky and hesitant.  
  
"Our bedroom, on the Tardis."  
  
"That is not funny Matt!" Her frustration was quickly turning to anger.  
"If Steven or Arthur had anything to do with this, I will kill them with my bare hands!"  
"And really? Bedding me on the Tardis set and pretending to be the Doctor? That is a low I never thought you'd reach."  
  
She spun around the room looking for her clothes, ignoring the man incredulously sputtering nonsensical words behind her.  
It only took her a minute or two to retrieve her underwear and skimpy dress from the previous night. Before long, she was fully dressed and running down the long halls with a very confused Matt trailing close behind.  
Finally she found the console room and headed for the doors.  
  
"Goodbye Matthew."  
  
"Wait, Riv! You can't just walk ou-" He was too late though, she'd already opened the Tardis doors.  
  
Alex expected to open the doors to see a warehouse or some sort of random location, nothing like the view before her now.  
It took her with full force, an icy blast of dry air, chilling her to the bone, and a stupendous view of a solar system. In shock, she stumbled backwards into Matt - or the Doctor - whoever the hell he was. She tried to apologize, but when she tried to speak, no words words come out. He helped her into the jump seat, all the while possibly more perplexed than she was.  
  
"So you're actually the Doctor?" She asked when she recovered from the initial shock.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"I'm sorry, but I'm really not River."  
  
"I can tell _now_. She never quite reacted to Andromeda like that."  
"Who are you exactly?"  
  
"Alex. Alex Kingston." She said shakily. Surely this was all one bizarre dream.  
  
"So, Ms. Kingston, how do you know who I am?"  
  
"Please just call me Alex."  
"Um well...this is going to sound insane - but I kinda play your wife, River Song, on a television show called Doctor Who. Matt Smith, my co star, plays...you" It sounded weird in her head, but it sounded even weirder when she said it out loud. The Doctor absorbed the information for a second before a solid explanation popped into his head. You could almost see the cogs turning in his brain as he paced the console room, hands fidgeting constantly.  
  
"Huh, I suppose that could be possible..." He thought aloud. "A parallel universe where River and I are simply characters in a television program..."  
Now that Alex thought about it, her life seemed life seemed rather childish in comparison to his. She was simply playing a part in someone else's story.  
  
_'There goes my self esteem once again.'_ She thought momentarily.  
  
"It certainly would explain the bumpy ride..." The Doctor added.  
  
"Are you sure you didn't just forget to use the stabilizers? Or maybe the old girl has finally had enough of you always having the brakes on." Alex teased lightly, but truly, she found his explanation good enough to be true - strange - but good enough.  
The Doctor raised a non existent eyebrow at her remark. It seemed like something River would say.  
  
"So exactly how much of my life has this show captured?" He enquired curiously, leaning casually on the rails beside the jump seat.  
  
"Well the first episode was back in '63 with your first regeneration and your granddaughter Susan in that junk yard, when Barbara and Ian stumbled upon the two of you."  
  
"Wow, spot on." He muttered.  
"So have you..." He trailed off, not able to talk about the day River died.  
  
"I know about The Library. It was my first appearance on the show."  
His expression sobered, eyes down cast.  
Alex offered him a sympathetic smile.  
"You still have more time with her, darling."  
  
"I know. I haven't taken her to the singing towers yet."  
  
"Oh trust me, that won't happen for a _very_ long time." Alex emphasized 'very', having recently filmed The Husbands of River Song.  
  
"How do you know?" He asked skeptically  
  
"Spoilers." Alex purred with a knowing smile. Although she wasn't River, it sure was fun to have real spoilers.  
  
"You sound just like her y'know?" The Doctor rolled his eyes with a fond smile plastered to his face.  
  
"I have to, I play her." It seemed obvious to Alex. Then a thought popped into her head: she was in the middle of freaking space with an alien. It kinda freaked her out, not the Doctor, but the space bit.  
"Oh can you take me home soon, I'd like to leave before your wife pops by."  
  
"Wouldn't you like to meet her though?"  
  
"Lord no! The woman would force me into a threesome the moment she saw me." The Doctor turned red in the ace upon her admission. "Sorry I forgot that this Doctor is so easy to fluster. Matt is quite different in that respect. The man could flirt the pants off a rock if he wanted." Alex giggled.  
  
"Oh _right_ , you probably want to get back to him."  
  
"What?"  
  
"You two are together, are you not?"  
  
"No! No, we're not together!" Alex back tracked profusely.  
  
"The way you talked about him earlier...I just assumed-"  
  
"Don't assume then! You're terrible at it! Besides there's no way he would ever be interested in me." She dismissed him easily, like she had done hundreds of times in her mind, shutting away her feelings for Matt.  
  
"Why's that?" He asked, sarcasm evident in his tone.  
  
"Have you seen me?" Alex pointed to her face.  
  
"Yes, quite a bit actually." He replied smugly, clearly checking her out. Earning himself a slap.  
"Ow!" He rubbed his arm to soothe the pain with a grimace on his face.  
  
"I'm 19 years his senior!"  
  
"So?"  
  
"So I'm bloody well old enough to be his mother!"  
  
"It's not even that big of an age gap."  
  
"Says the man who's roughly 900 years older than his wife. Yeah real nice advice, except things don't really work like that on Earth. Nasty things would get to the papers if the paps ever got word of my feelings for him."  
The Doctor looked like he was about to speak, so Alex interrupted him, with more reasons.  
  
"And then there's all of my hefty baggage."  
He raised an eyebrow.  
  
"I have two ex-husbands and a teenage daughter. Granted, he loves Salome, but my emotional scarring is probably too much for him to handle. And then there's the _other_ issue."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I can't get pregnant. I fought tooth and nail to have Salome, even though it ended up tearing apart my marriage. I know he wants children of his own, and I could never give him that."  
  
"I still don't see any solid reason why you shouldn't go for it."  
  
"Are you serious?"  
  
"Dead serious. River was conditioned from birth to kill me, and we still fell in love, even after the multiple attempts on my life. If that didn't hold us back, I don't see why your excuses should hold you back."  
  
"What if he doesn't feel the same?" She conceded in such an uncharacteristically small voice.  
  
"I'm sure he does. If he is anything like me, it might just take him awhile to realize it." He kneeled down beside her and rubbed her knee in a soothing gesture.  
  
"The last time I spoke to him, we got into a massive fight though. I said some things I probably shouldn't have. Things that hurt him." She looked at her feet, regretfully recalling the past.  
  
"What did you fight about?"  
  
"It was silly really. He didn't want me to return to Who." Alex could practically hear his shocked expression, so she continued.  
"He said that River belonged to his Doctor and that Peter couldn't have her. Really he should've picked a fight with Steven; he was the one who promised that he wouldn't write River into anything after Matt left. And I needed the money, so obviously I said yes to the role. He knows that I've been saving Salome a college fund."  
  
"What exactly did he say?"  
  
"He said that River was his wife and that no one else should have her. He should've been mad about the fact that River was sleeping around, but no. He was furious that Peter's Doctor got to spend twenty four years with River and his didn't. He said that he 'wouldnt let me' do the Christmas special. What the hell does that mean? I know Matt has always been possessive over River, but that was down right controlling."  
The Doctor outright laughed, ignoring the bit about River cheating.  
  
"What?" Alex asked, thoroughly confused.  
  
"I'd say he has feelings for you." He stated as if it were blatantly obvious.  
  
"Well if he did, he definitley doesn't anymore..."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"I said some pretty hurtful things that night."  
  
"Like what? Surely it couldn't be that bad..."  
  
"I called him a controlling asshole, insensitive, a bastard, and worst of all - I called him childish."  
  
"How is that worse than a 'controlling asshole'?"  
  
"Well everyone always says that he looks like a twelve year old, even acts like one too. I think I was the only person who treated him like a functioning adult, and I back stabbed him." Before the Doctor could say anything, Alex continued.  
"And I didn't even stop there. I used everything I love about him against himself. I said he couldn't even control his limbs and that he was a worthless idiot. I am the worthless idiot, saying such malicious things to him; things that I didn't mean but can never take back-"  
  
Alex was sobbing uncontrollably at this point, the Doctor tried to soothe her by rubbing her shoulder, but he really had no idea what to do with her and it only seemed to make her cry harder.  
River had never cried in front of him, so he had no clue of how to calm Alex down.  
  
Only one thing came to mind: to stage an intervention.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> River had never cried in front of him, so he had no clue of how to calm Alex down. 
> 
> Only one thing came to mind: to stage an intervention.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay! I get migraines and it's pretty hard to write when I have one :(
> 
> I'm not sure when the next chapter will be up. You'll have to be patient lol

"I'm going to make us a cuppa." The Doctor placed a lingering kiss into her curls before heading off to the kitchen.  
He felt helpless sitting around watching her cry.

 _'The tea should give me enough time to brainstorm some ideas.'_ He thought to himself as he walked down the halls.

Ten minutes and two cups of tea later, the Doctor had already thought of three ways to stage the intervention, he just needed more time to work out all the kinks.

~~~

Matt lay haphazardly on his sofa, cracking open a beer with tears streaming down his face.  
Usually he and Alex texted and called frequently, but ever since their fight it was radio silence.  
He didn't blame her. If there was any truth behind her words that night, then there was no point keeping up the act any longer. She hated him.

And that was the complete opposite of what he wanted.

The whole reason he didn't want her going back to Who was simple. Well, relatively simple.

He loved her.

He'd only come to terms with it around the time he left the role of the eleventh Doctor.

He knew that there was no way she could ever return his feelings. She only saw him as a co-worker and a good friend. Even through all of their flirtatious banter over the years, Alex continuously saw him as a friend. Lending him a shoulder to cry on when things ended with Daisy, inviting him  over to watch Who with Salome, and helping him with his decision to depart from his role as the Doctor.

She had always been his friend.

He always thought that if he could never have Alex, at least his Doctor would have her forever. Matt even had Steven Moffat promise him that River would never be written in again.

And then it was announced that Alex would be returning for the Christmas special.

She would be starring alongside _Peter Capaldi._

Moffat had broken his promise.

He called Steven first, begging him to retract Alex from the episode.  
That did absolutely no good because apparently the episode was about River. Moffat stood his ground saying there was no way they could scrap the episode since they had already started filming and and promotional photos.

Matt hung up, livid.

Before his brain realized what his hands were up to, he called Alex.

They got into possibly the worst fight he'd ever been in. Worse than the fight leading up to his breakup with Daisy, which was saying _a lot_.

The last thing he heard her say was, "You know what? I don't have to deal with this shit! Goodbye Matthew."

Her words felt like a stab to the heart. The woman he loved certainly didn't feel the same about him. Not after all those things she said about him.  
A silent wave of depression overcame him as he realized something else:

They weren't even 'just friends' anymore.

And he'd never felt so empty or helpless before in his life. It was like he was drowning in a world full of pain and suffering, devout of happiness and love.  
Tears and alcohol never seemed to help much, but today he felt like he was suffocating in hurt.

Matt lifted the newly opened beer to his lips and-

A breeze flew around the living room, tossing around used tissues and unread scripts. Then he heard _that_ sound. The Tardis materializing. The blue telephone box in question appeared, growing more opaque with every wheeze and groan of the engines. Matt's eyes widened as he looked at the Tardis and back at his beer.  
He was pretty sure he hadn't even taken a sip yet.

_Bang_

The Tardis landed with it's usual thud and then was silent. Suddenly the door opened with a creak, revealing a man in a bowtie and tweed who strikingly resembled Matt, himself. Matt's mouth went dry as he stared at the man.

_'This isn't real. The Doctor isn't real - your mind is just playing tricks on you.'_

The Doctor straightened his bow tie before walking towards Matt with a grim expression boring his features.

"We need to talk."

~~~

Over tea with the Doctor, Alex cried and cried until there were no tears left and she was just an empty shell of a person. Upon his insistence, she let the Time Lord guide her into his bedroom and tuck her into bed. 

"Everything will be alright, honey." He whispered and pulled the covers up to her shoulders. She nodded numbly, thinking he was just placating her. He leaned down and placed a tender kiss to her forehead. Decidedly happy with his job of looking after her, he quietly padded out of the room.  
Upon his exit, Alex curled into a fetal position under the covers and went through everything that could never be.

She wished she could just erase the fight, erase all her cruel, bitter words. She wished she had said 'I love you' instead of 'I hate you'. She wished she had been less of a vindictive bitch.

 _'I always manage to screw up every relationship I've ever been in. Now I've managed to fuck up a relationship before it's even begun.'_ Alex could feel her stomache twisting into a knot just thinking of how much she wanted to be with Matt.

_'But now that's never_ _going_ _to happen either, is_ _It_ _? All because me.'_

Alex eventually dozed off, exhausted by her self destructive thoughts.

~~~

The Doctor strolled into the console room purposefully, grinning all the while. It had been a very long time since he'd last played matchmaker. He pressed a few buttons on the moniter before addressing the Tardis.

"Ready old girl?" He patted the console affectionately. She replied with a warm hum.

It was time to enact phase one of his plan: have a talk with this world's version of himself.

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave kudos and/or a comment  
> Comments make my day :P


End file.
